Milage

walk a mile in your shoes? Please, do you think for a minute that 4 inch stiletto heels go with cargo pants?

Whales

The Sparrow has left the nest and the whales are practicing Parcheesi.

sums

The sum of 3 fuchsia dyed caffeine hyper squirrels added to a 50/50 mix of moon rocks and un-obtainium is equal to the output of 23 micro-burst from a 2nd degree quasar eclipse.

holidays

Holiday symbol support group

Christmas Tree - "they cut me down and decorated my dying body"

Turkey - "You think that's bad they cut off my head and roasted me!"

Pumpkin - "Really? They cut me off my vine slice open my head and scrape out everything leaving a shell of my body, they take my guts to make pies (and glorify the spices they use to weird proportions) they save my seeds for snack food and then they take my shell and carve faces on it! If that's not enough they light fires inside the shell for one night and then throw it in the trash!. Call me when you have something real to worry about!"

Fire Cracker - "oh pop"

Shopping

So I am trying to finish up my shopping and the clerk just looks at me weird when I ask if they keep the powdered bat wing with spices or specialty seasonings... Sure glad I didn't ask him about the high energy nutrino emitting bulb I need for for my astral projector!

stork

The inter-dimensional stork that just came by to let me know things are "A-OK" in quadrant alpha-2-3-terra-green, would also like some one named "Patricia" to know he still loves her.....

time

I have a time distortion problem. the beginning of the weekend is closer to Monday than Monday is to the beginning of the weekend.

the road

I took the road less traveled, and three snake bites one wolf attack and a washed out bridge later, I got my butt back to civilization!

red

Personal Log Stardate 3416.3

My first away mission! I get to go down to the surface with the Captain and the Bridge officers no less! Time to break out my lucky Red Shirt!

Raccoon guards

raccoon's make horrible guards, they would have started out trying to take care of the money; taking turns standing watch, threatening crows and mice. They would try, but then in a fit of boredom they would have blown the whole lot on a case of cheese poofs, a hand full of reproduction chandelier baubles (the plastic ones of course) and one slightly used copy of the Twilight Trilogy (one must build a nest you know) 

so sad that the little raccoon babies have nothing but the Cullen's to read about.

Warp

Many of my friends and acquaintances are all fired up over assorted protests, interviews, government and DOD disclosures.

Myself, I have one and only one question....

When exactly did the Dolphins let the secrets of anti-gravity and warp drive slip within earshot of a NASA intern???? My Feline overlord is demanding answers.

ferret?

In reflection that I have made multiple serious post this week I offer the following:

Mary: You know that ferret will never be the same after you expose it to 89 hours of hard core porn and inject it with Pluto-forma-syklicated- toefunguestium.

John: No but who would ever believe a comic book company would make a racoon a real character?

Cancelled?

Attention:

The Zombie Apocalypse scheduled for this afternoon has been canceled. In it's place there will be vampire pandas wandering the streets and randomly mauling people wearing clashing colors or socks with sandals.

That is all.

De-icing

And now we see the result of the standard North Texas de-icing procedure, most commonly referred to as"wait till noon"

insomnia

Lo though I walk through the Valley of wakefulness, I shall fear no insomnia, for Ambien is with me.

polar bear

ya know that feeling you get right after headbutting a rabid polar bear?

basic

10 wake up
20 make coffee
30 drink coffee
40 check caffeine level
50 to low? go to 20
60 at therapeutic level? go to 20

wood chuck

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, would animal rights activist lobby to ban their use by the logging industry?

UFO

If we Identify a UFO as a flying saucer from another planet then is it still technically a UFO?

instructions

Instructions for use of brick wall, "Place head here. repeat as necessary"

seals

Baby Seals Where? Let m grab my club so that i can >Thunk< ...ZZZzzzZZZZ

press 1

To speak with some one who will act like they truly care about your Silly assed problem, Press 1; To speak to some one who will listen with out interrupting to your whining and moping, Press 2; to continue talking to me just stay on the line while I get myself a shot of Whiskey and prepare to laugh.

free

To keep Facebook free, Stand on your right leg and hop three times while bouncing a commodore 64 on your left and and an Amiga on top of your head while chanting "Linux, UNIX, Os2 Wrap, apple II Lisa, Castle Wolfenstien, quark." then turn around three times clockwise real fast. After three repetitions if you puke blue and aqua-marine Face Book will be free for you forever. REPOST EVERY WHERE!!!

morning

morning has broken...

but I have coffee and duct Tape

fda

if peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers then wheres the fda inspection on the peppers peter piper picked?

love

If you love something set it free.. if it comes back it is yours forever, if it does not... Hunt it down, kill it, and destroy all evidence that anything ever happened.

Verily

Verily, I say unto thee.. Verily? where did Verily run off to this time!

jack n jill

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to fetch a pail of water... (like any one believes _that's_ why they went up the hill!)

jack

Nimble and quick aside, why was Jack playing with lit candles?

meeting

Time travelers meeting 2 hrs ago.. _do not_ be late

cookie

I have finally found my somewhat accurate label.. an American born in US Navy Hospital Taiwan.. I am a "Fortune Cookie American"

line forms to the left

still needing small fuzzy woodland creatures... multiple critters welcome, line forms to the left of the place kicking tee

vote

why vote for the lessor of evils.. Vote Cthulhu!

(brought to you by the Miskatonic committee for a cleaner Arkham)

bear hunt

When bear hunting always take some one in a clear lower state of physical fitness than yourself.. remember.. you don't have to out run the bear...

Sam

Sam is awesome .. I mean come on..

half a dozen high end action heroes and a few other rich friends go out to save the world and Bruce Willis brings his gardener to save the day.

yeah Sam is awesome

7

hmmm what exactly would it take to commit all seven deadly sins at once...

A lustful, gluttonous, greedy, and wrathful sin. One full of pride and Envy while still exhibiting sloth.....

Oh wait.. I could troll an internet board; where I have monotized my feed; while surfing porn and eating fried chicken... Yeah that would do it.

oddly not as hard as I thought it would be.

Valentines

Still waiting for permission to celebrate Saint Valentine's Day by posting a body (alla my normal Halloween mode) surrounded by clubs and stones and with its head some feet away.

 I could make them pink clubs and heart shaped stones....

Pairs

Single items called pair and theoretical reason

Pants/shorts - two legs
Glasses - Two lenses
Scissors - two opposing blades
Tongs - two um er grippy things....Not sure entirely
Stockings - again 2 legs
Headphones - two speakers
Pliers - 2 ply--thingies......
Bolt cutters - two hardened steel blades to cut, well bolts.

OK I get it they are _using_ or _made for_ pairs... So what happened with naming the Bra?

Marmosets

Ya' know...

there comes a time in every persons life. When we have to decide, Do I stand here and let the skydiving marmosets have their way.. or do I start picking them off with laser guided munitions.

It is a question we all have to decide for ourselves.

tree rats

This then is how it ends. You leave me no choice. I am the child of generations. The progeny of a million years. From that time till now this confrontation has been avoided.

Yet here we stand. I, a Human. Clasping in one hand a beaten and pitted piece of steel that I take liberty to call a sword. In the other I hold a side by side 12 gauge sawed off break over Winchester. I have more shells for what good they will do me.

my leather long coat swirls in the wind revealing class three body armor and a host of grenades that I have at my disposal.

You are unimpressed.

You have been here before, you and your kind have always found a way. You Know even if I kill you there are tens and twenties of your brothers and sisters waiting to take your place. I know you I know your kind.

Still I raise my hand, I raise it and I fulfill my task, Filling the feeder. I hear you above me. Twittering and scolding. As I await the song of birds I miss my dogs. Come and get me you f'n squirrels!

Muffet

Little Miss Muffet.. Annotated.

Little Miss Muffet, (an apparently easily frightened indentured servant of some sort)

She sat on a Tuffet.. (A low stool or foot rest.. Poor girl.)

Eating her Curds and Whey. (for those who don't know that is milk separated into solids and liquids by adding an acid such as vinegar.. ewwww!)

When along came a spider (eight legged creature that, while beneficial in gardens, inspires fear and horror)

and Sat down beside her (OK this is a bit creepy for her to notice the arachnid coming along and pulling up a piece of sod it had to be of pretty good size.. could even be one of those Sci-Fi Spiders giant and dripping venom..... Just sayin')

and Scared Miss Muffet away. (See Ripley could'a learned something here.. if it is creepy and dripping acid venom... run like Heck! Burn it! Nuke it from space, No really it's the only way to be sure.)

Peppers

If Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers, then what size jars was he picking?

Emergnency

**beeeeeeeeeeeep**

this is a test of the Emergency Darius Posting system

were this a real emergency there would be mass panic, rioting in the streets possibly with looting. the sky might turn purple and the sea levels would rise to levels not seen since last Tuesday. None of this would you notice if you were here reading an emergency posting system.

this has been a test, this was only a test.

**beeeeeeeeeeeeep**

life?

I was ask once why, as a believer in God, would I think that life could exist else where in the Universe. My response I still stand by, "God made a really big place with a lot of room to work, why would he stop here?"

Stolen

this one is stolen I just can't remember who from:

Judge: Mr. Mouse I am afraid i can not grant you a divorce on the grounds that your wife is crazy.

M. Mouse: Your Honor, I didn't say she was crazy. I said She was Fu**ing Goofy!

NSA

So I hear if you hop on your left foot three times wiggle your butt and then do a back flip an NSA server explodes....

cat skinning

While discussing multiple ways to complete a task today I found myself saying

"There may be 15 ways to skin a cat, but in the end you are still just skinning a cat"

Overheard

over heard conversation:

A: What is your user name?

B: My e-mail address.

A: No, your user name.

B: My e-mail address.

A: I know what your e-mail address is, I need your user name!

federation

The Federation is an imperialistic socialist cult bent on making all species of the universe give up thier inherant right to self rule. We must draw line in space and cry out "By the blood of Kahless you shall go no further!" copy and repost if you are worthy

Mercs

Mercenaries can not be truly bought... But they have very atractive lease options.

weight

I took a picture of this while at work years ago

tomorrow

never put off till tomorrow what c-4 cant get done today

the tribe

the natives are getting restless. after extended periods of Forced dormancy they have emerged from their caves with the manic chant of "we're bored" They ignore and scoff at the ancient rituals that auger relief  and claim that the weather forecasting rodent should be roasted  served in a white wine sauce. We are prevented from distracting them with redundant task under the guise of _homework_ and are forced to turn to more extreme measures. That's right unlimited internet time, snack food, and hot coco. For now the the tribe of Teenager is appeased. The Parents are saved. Now as long as the power holds.

ninjitsu

I have used secret Ninjitsu training techniques to condition my body and reflexes into the correct motions for the task. I expect for at least 2 mornings after my death my body will continue to get up and make a pot of coffee.

Knitter

My wife has a "stash"
She associates with "hookers"
She goes all over town looking for new suppliers
She has a whole room dedicated to Paraphernalia
She has been known to "tie one on"
She occasionally "cranks one out"
Some times she feels "Froggy"
When she gets upset she likes to "rip it"
She has been known to share needles
She likes to crawl out on a Saturday looking for something "exotic"

Dear Lord, I think my wife is...

A Knitter.

Fire

Is it permissible to yell "theater" in a crowded fire?

bets?

And the cute fuzzy squirrel jumped down and grabbed the dog by the nose and started asking questions about bets laid off in Vegas and the Packers game.

I walked away and said nothing but when the dog came back inside he would not even look at a cheese treat.....

pound

so if a pound of feathers and a pound of lead fall at the same speed in a vacuum, then does a dog bark equally at both of them?

third moon

When the third moon of Erodore, collides with the comet Siajion-t6 the Prophesy will be 1/64th fulfilled as long as the shadow of Fargonot does not fall on the Garth on the 4th day of winter.

Overall I I think we are good

Math

just because A+B=C doesn't mean A+J/Q(t*G) can't still =C

Alert

ALERT!!!

This is a useless alert, I repeat a useless alert! had this been a real alert, you would have found out by reliable sources other than social media and many would have already commented here before this alert!

Again this is a useless Alert!

Death Star

Feeling antagonistic... the Rebels killed thousands on the Death Star and they are hailed as heros.. Luke is a War Criminal, and should be brought to justice!

hand

I need a hand in my haunted cemetery.. can i use yours? I mean.. you don't really _need_ two of them....

random stranger

ever randomly stop some one on the street and say "this is very important.. whatever you do, _Don't look down_"?

yeah me neither but it could be fun down on Sundance Square late on a Friday night...

Tuesday

and thus begins another episode of our weekly saga "Tuesday" today we see if Dr's can confirm via Ct that I do indeed have a brain, or if it crawled away years ago to be replaced with a plush toy of Cthulu

objective

huh... I am told "To subjugate the indigenous population of a small pacific island." is not an objective one should list on their resume... who knew...

Mayan

And in other news the squirrel mafia has set the invasion to coincide with the end of the Maya calendar. All poodles, schnauzers, wiener dogs, and other breeds known for going ballistic at the mere sight of fluffy tailed tree rats have been notified and are standing by.

Shakespeare

Let's see... Boy meets girl.. girl meets boy... they fall hopelessly in love... Every one dies...

Shakespeare must've been Irish.

dear santa

Dear Santa,

before you finish checking of the list please understand, I can explain everything...

wood turning

turning wood on a lathe is all about breaking years of training and sticking a sharp piece of steel into rotating machinery..

mice

so how did the three blind mice know which way she ran?

dog

I have a dog that tries to blame the cat when he farts....

duck

No time to explain.. grab a duck,a roll of paper towels and meet me behind Jimmie Walkers place

angle

the square of the thirteenth angle of the detraction of light from alpha proxima might mean absolutely nothing.

beavers

Do beavers use toothpicks?

the cat

after living with a fair number of the species, I believe Schrodinger never had a cat.

if he had he would have realized the cat would have used the nuclear material included in the box to build a device to ensure if it could not escape, neither would the human who put it in the box....the object of whether the cat was alive or dead would be irrelevant and the cat would win.

pegs

fitting a square peg into a round hole may be done with the proper application of power tools.

truck

I have realized that my truck is a time machine, in a mere 60 seconds it takes me one minute into the future.

spiderweb

A man who dances as if no one is looking probably just walked through a spider web.

really?

has any one else noticed that Pokeman is a cartoon about trapping and training animals for pit fighting?

fision

so one group of protons says to another, "Neutrons? that's it we gotta split!

Mr Sanders

Since Pooh lived under the name of Mr Sanders, Was he an Identity thief or in the Witness protection program?

gopher

So I says to my friend, "John if we don't stop electro-shocking gophers till we convince them they are really zombie squirrels, we're gonna have a real situation on our hands."

bunny ears

Why, oh why would any one want to use Elmer's school paste to attach fluffy bunny ears to the sleeping velciraptor

beeep

**beeeeeeeeeeeep**

this is a test of the Emergency Darius Posting system

were this a real emergency there would be mass panic, rioting in the streets possibly with looting. the sky might turn purple and the sea levels would rise to levels not seen since last Tuesday. None of this would you notice if you were here reading an emergency posting system.

this has been a test, this was only a test.

**beeeeeeeeeeeeep**

Batman?

Ich bin Herr Fledermaus. almost anything in German sounds menacing.. except this....

father

I remember clearly the words of my Father on that fateful day. I had done what I had intended, accomplished what I thought was beyond my means and I heard him say "what on earth were you thinking?"

unforseen

Oracle and clairvoyant convention cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

expected qoutes

If famous figures in US history could see us now this is what I think they might say:

Ben Franklin~
"I told you so."

George Washington~
"Wait, we are allies with who again?"

Abe Lincoln~
"What do you mean the Democrats are the Progressives?"

Thomas Edison~
"Seriously? you are still using the same power grid?"

Hurst and Pulitzer~
<in unison> "We're Back Baby!"

Teddy Roosevelt~
"The Park is closed!? Some one saddle my moose!"

more quotes I would expect from famous Americans if they could see us today:

P.T. Barnum~
"My estimate of every minute may have been conservative."

J.P. Morgan~
"Why do I keep seeing 'Chase' added to my name?"

Thomas Paine~
"Common Sense is apparently still not common."

Henry Ford~
"The government bailed out the US auto industry... The US Government _gave_ us Money... Am I getting this right?"

D. Crockett~
"Still going to Texas, others can follow my previous instructions."

romeo

It occurs to me the Romeo's famous speech in the garden 
"but soft what light through yonder window breaks..." was made by an Italian peeping Tom.

election

In other notes.. execution by rapid application of al dente long pasta was not voted down!

scaling the walls

So the fox runs three times round the room and the gold fish explodes

fries?

My inquisitor looked coldly at me across the stainless steel surface. his eyes met my own, unflinching seeming almost detached. Seeming lifeless as the task before him.

I considered and I sought through my mind for an answer to his query. He was obviously impatient, his fingers drumming rhythmic upon the device before him.

I felt a bead of sweat forming at my temple and I knew.. I knew that I must answer and I replied, "Yes I would like fries with that."

tiger

I'll ask one more time,

when exactly was it that you decided that attempting to give an alert Siberian tiger a mo-hawk using only a pissed off rabbit duct taped to a stick, while dressed in a neon green unitard with orange polka-dots was a _good_ idea?

insurance

Sooooo Mr... Wayne. you got a , wait . umm a bat shaped jet with military grade munitions and you want to insure it against... hmmm Joke bombs, cat claws, psychopath attacks and ... wait .. Lizard men?

Mr Wayne we can under write allot of things but,,,,

really

that much?

well OK I think we can write you a policy Mr Wayne....

dialup

ring ... ring... Click click BEEEeeppp- screeechin.. boing boing.....hiissssss.... click... CARRIER 'COFFEE' REFUSED CONNECTION, TRY AGAIN Y/N?

Gorilla

And then the gorilla came out wearing a pair of pink spandex shorts and a sombrero

care

Be careful what you get, you might just ask for it.

world peace

I was once asked by a door to door missionary (I believe she was Jehovah Witness) "Do you believe world peace is possible?"

The poor girl was not prepared for my answer as I clicked off in response, "Sure just kill all the humans."

Green Lantern

I have always wondered about Green Lantern and his weakness to the color yellow, Seems like a pretty lame weakness. Though I understand the original series showed his weakness to be wood.

Either way, all I would need to be a successful super villain is a hand full of #2 pencils and a cross bow made out of a couple of sticks and a rubber band.

irony

"Sooners" were way early Oklahoma land run participants that had a stand off with the National guard in Stillwater OK. "Cowboys" drove herds between south Texas and train depots such as Norman OK. I still find this enormously ironic....

what was....

In light of recent rulings I would like to state unequivocally my clear and strident support for arming river otters with particle projection cannons and/or rail guns

that was the current issue right?

sarcasm

I once saw a sign that said "What's God's plan for you?"

I am not entirely sure but it may be to perfect sarcasm as a language...

obstinence

If you are willing to stand, then I will stand with you, If you are not willing to stand then I will fight those who wish to stand upon you. If you are willing to kneel, then you will see me standing either with or against those you kneel to. No matter what you choose to do I will stand or or I will die.

vivi-disection?

Still haven't figured this one out.. if a mad scientist catches a vampire and cuts him/her up, is it dissection or vivisection?

In Defense of Bob

Is it wrong I want to see a Titan A.E. sequel sub titled "In Defense of Bob"

I mean really.. the Drej might have been vaporized (Ok.. a bit of genocide there) but this is a brand new resource rich _Planet_ I am sure the population would have political issues between one drift colony and another's top dogs and was that really the last of the Drej? Not to mention other star traveling species wanting a bite of Bob.

Cale and Akima's grand child maybe as the protagonist....who is more interested in exploring the new planet than ruling it.

Sigh...

punty

dreamt I was working on a comic called "Punty the Star Squirrel" his ship was acorn shaped and was launched by way of a giant slingshot....

fallen?

Fallen Angel? No thanks; they are always looking for help, revenge, or a quick path back into grace.

Redeemed Hell Spawn? Nope. They either still haven't learned what they need to, don't care about the lesson, or want to show you what you are doing wrong.

A real woman, with mortal flaws and intangible true beauty. I'll choose her every time.

the goldfish

So the fox runs three times round the room and the gold fish explodes.
In other notes.. execution by rapid application of al dente long pasta was not voted down!

fries

My inquisitor looked coldly at me across the stainless steel surface. his eyes met my own, unflinching seeming almost detached. Seeming lifeless as the task before him.

I considered and I sought through my mind for an answer to his query. He was obviously impatient, his fingers drumming rhythmic upon the device before him.

I felt a bead of sweat forming at my temple and I knew.. I knew that I must answer and I replied, "Yes I would like fries with that."

tiger

I'll ask one more time,

when exactly was it that you decided that attempting to give an alert Siberian tiger a mo-hawk using only a pissed off rabbit duct taped to a stick, while dressed in a neon green unitard with orange polka-dots was a _good_ idea?

Mr Wayne

Sooooo Mr... Wayne. you got a , wait . umm a bat shaped jet with military grade munitions and you want to insure it against... hmmm Joke bombs, cat claws, psychopath attacks and ... wait .. Lizard men?

Mr Wayne we can under write allot of things but,,,,

really

that much?

well OK I think we can write you a policy Mr Wayne....

dial up

ring ... ring... Click click BEEEeeppp- screeechin.. boing boing.....hiissssss.... click... CARRIER 'COFFEE' REFUSED CONNECTION, TRY AGAIN Y/N?

so if a pound of feathers and a pound of lead fall at the same speed in a vacuum, then does a dog bark equally at both of them?